A Kalani Exclusive: The Wedding of the Millennium!

It isn’t often that a community gets to watch love grow between two people from its roots to their wedding.  Such a blessing was bestowed upon Kalani however with the matrimonial union of Clayton (Clay Clay) and Rui (Rui Rui).  The day of the wedding was a Untitled-7 copyblissfully beautiful afternoon full of joy, laughter and love.  But this isn’t the story of how the two lovebirds met, nor exclusively about their wedding.  What follows are the before, during and after bits of drama and dirt that even YOU didn’t realize were happening. For, when we first heard about the joyous union, we were skeptical, so we decided to do our own investigations to find out what was really going on.  We started by giving the lovey dovey couple a compatibility quiz to ferret out whether they were really well matched or not.  What follows are the questions to the quiz along with their answers, Clayton’s being marked in PINK and Rui’s in BLUE.


  1. You see your partner looking at another with flirtatious eyes. What do you do?Untitled-8 copy


  • Smack them across the head to snap their attention back to you


      1. Put on a brave face ignore it,  and secretly cry in a closet later
      2. Ask for a divorce


  • Start rumor about that person so they get kicked out of the community


    1. Untitled-9 copyYou want to go to Vinyasa yoga class but your partner wants to go to Samadhi dance. What do you do?
      1. Happily give up your Vinyasa for the Samadhi dance but alter the schedule to show the Samadhi dance was canceled so you have to go to vinyasa yoga
      2. Throw a tantrum like a two year old to get your way


  • Use your sex appeal to convince your partner that your idea is better
  • Ask for a divorce


    1. During the work assignments you both chose to work the front of house but only one of you can fill that role. What do you do?


  • Ask for divorce


      1. Ask to be transfer to a different department
      2. Fake an injury on your knife cutting hand so you have to be assigned to the front of house


  • Threaten to withhold sex for a week unless you get your way


    1. Your Ohana is going to see the lava flow into the ocean but one of you is injured on their leg and can’t make the hike. What do you do?


  • Give your partner a loving kiss on the forehead as you pack your backpack for the hike


      1. Ask for divorce
      2. Convince them that walking on their injuries will help them heal faster and force them to come along with you


  • Slip them some sleep aides to knock them out so you can go with your friends


    1. You have a disagreement over the wedding cake flavour. You want a chocolate raspberry marble cake while they want a lilikoi tres leche pound cake. What do you do?
      1. Cancel the wedding


  • Agree with your partner but plan to through the cake in your partner’s face during the wedding


      1. Go on a hunger strike until you get your way


  • Agree for your partner’s cake but later cancel the order and place an order for your cake

At first glance the most noticeable thing is that NONE of their answers matched.  Not a single one! But as they say, opposites attract, so while we were hoping to call them out on a potential wedding scheme, we couldn’t just yet.  Our second tactic was to interview them to get the real scoop.

ITWK: How did you two meet?

Clay Clay: Um, we live right next to each other in downtown and there was a former ummvolunteer who lived close by us who I had to protect so Rui Rui wouldn’t die.  Thank you

ITWK: Excellent, Rui do you have anything to add to that?

Rui Rui: Uh, I think that’s why I fall in love with him

ITWK: Well my goodness that was actually my next question, how exactly was it that you two fell in love?

Clay Clay: Love at first sight

Rui Rui: Yeeessss…!

ITWK: Awwww!  Isn’t that adorable! Now, everybody is dying to know, exactly how do you two deal with conflict resolution

Clay Clay: Um, I usually always listen to Rui Rui because she’s my husband, BUT if I really need something I know how to crack that nut (wink wink) 😉

ITWK: Ooohhh!!  Does Clayton have some tricks in the bedroom?

Rui Rui: Uh, oh it’s a secret…

ITWK: Such a gentleman, won’t give any of the secrets away, I love it!  Ok, so what readers really would love to know, who sleeps on the left?

Clay Clay: Oh my God!

Rui Rui: Uh….

Clay Clay: Well our bed, it uh moves, its from China, it’s a futuristic bed that’s like constantly moving, so we never really have to be on the left or right, we’re always flowing and moving.

ITWK: Wow, so it’s like a yin yang constantly shifting bed, I love it

Clay Clay: Yea we are very progressive.

ITWK: So Rui, what are your secrets to keeping a marriage happy?

Rui Rui: I think it’s because I’m so beautiful, he’s just oh!  Cannot, yea!

ITWK: Beauty does keep a marriage together, it does!  Anything to add to that Clayton?

Clay Clay: She is soooo beautiful!  So beautiful!

ITWK: Oh, that’s adorable! We have another question regarding Rui, If she was to ask you to pick her nose, would you?

Clay Clay: I’ve done it multiple times already.

ITWK: There you have it folks, this is true love at its finest! Now, if I was to give you guys a scenario, would you be willing to tell us how you would deal with the situation?

Both: Yeah, of course!

uhmITWK: Ok, so Clayton let’s say that Rui was working late, and she didn’t call to say that she was coming home late. So you made her dinner but by the time she got home the dinner was cold. But when Rui did arrive she noticed that there was some lipstick on his neck that was not your shade.

Both: Ooooohhhh….

ITWK: What would you do? How would you handle this situation?

Clay Clay: Well, obviously we would just have sex. I mean we are normal people.  I mean, we would just have sex.

Rui Rui: No, no, no I don’t want to have sex with that lipstick

ITWK: (gasp!) There’s a little bit of drama! What are your thoughts Clayton?

Clay Clay: Oh my God! We would probably still have sex

Rui Rui: No, no way, no way

ITWK: And the drama continues…

Clay Clay whispers: We would have sex

Rui Rui: We would divorce!

ITWK: (gasp!!) This is getting better!

Clay Clay: We’ll talk about it later

Rui Rui: Where is that lipstick from?

Clay Clay: I like to wear makeup when you’re not there, hon!

Rui Rui: Ooohhhh!!  Let’s have sex!

Clay Clay: See I told you!

ITWK: How easy was that? We had a real life conflict and they solved it together like a happy couple should!

Clay Clay: Only at Kalani

ITWK: Only at Kalani!  Yes, well thank you guys and we look forward to your wedding!

Wedding Drama!

You may have been there, but you missed this…

Father of the bride caught in a love triangle!

The grandmother (right) and mother of the groom (left) got into a rather heated spat when thewed1 grandmother (who credits daily avocado and black sand beach scrubs for her youthful appearance) was seen shamelessly flirting with the father of the bride.  Following the spat, it wed2was rumored that the mother of the groom stole the honeymoon tickets and ran off with the father of the bride to Europe… Sorry Granny, better luck next time!


Strippers at the wedding: Love emerged!

wed2 copyPerhaps the most interesting wedding gift: strippers! wed 3The maid of honor showed off her stripping skills joined by an unidentified male dressed as Santa. While the wedding couple seemed shocked by the gift, we were thrilled to capture the two strippers engaged in a loving embrace after their bare-bodied dance!




Star-studded wedding!

Bea Arthur (The Golden Girls)
Zsa Zsa Gabor looking good at the tender age of 99!
Ashley Judd & George Clinton (Godfather of Funk)










Officiate filed sexual harassment suit following ceremony!

Untitled-17This image was caught showing the bride fondling the officiate, who was busy fighting off advances from the groom! The suit is pending but is rumored to settle out of court. The actual settlement figure is unknown at this time.




After-wedding doubts? Bride shaves hair off; Groom picks up smoking!

Untitled-18 copy

Is that really Rui or just imposter lookalike??


Untitled-19 copy
Check out the bride’s new do! Is he having second thoughts?

 Prince is alive!

prince 3Prince showed up at the wedding, much to the surprise and delight of all who were there. As it turns out, Prince didn’t die. Nope, he faked his own death to escape the rigors of fame and moved to Puna. Prince, as you know is a fan of true love, and when that love is truly true and worth celebrating, like the love of this bride and groom was, he can’t keep himself from showing up and bestowing his magical blessings. So that’s what he did. He showed up with his pasty, pale prince 2body guard who obviously had amorous feelings for the pop star all his own, to bestow his blessings upon the beautiful bride and the handsome groom. “Hey guys,” he said, “Groovy wedding. You two are like, you two are so perfect for prince 1each other. I had to stop by and say, hey, congratulations you two. You two are awesome. Seriously. All right then. I approve. You two are awesome. I love you guys. So does my bodyguard. look at him. He loves you guys as much as I do.” It was truly surprising to witness the appearance of Prince, but his prince 4presence truly, totally, made the day just that much more special, especially for the women he hit on. And then, just as magically as he appeared, he disappeared in a poof of purple smoke and went back to his house on the lava field at Kalpana to soak in a hot tub with Elvis and Michael Jackson, who aren’t dead either. Neither is Bob Marley, but that’s another story entirely.


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