If you work now, or have ever worked in the kitchen, then this shocking report will be of no surprise to you. If you have never worked in the kitchen, then, maybe it will be a surprise to you. Guess you won’t know until you read it. Here it is. Okay, one day the editorial staff of ITWK was having a meeting on the lower lanai to proofread articles and talk about our personal lives in an intimate way that only gossip magazine writers do, when a highly emotional and mildly concerned kitchen volunteer ran to us. “You guys have got to see this!” She cried. “What? What is it?” We answered. “Come see!” She said. So we followed her and we saw, and what we saw cannot be unseen. Oh God, we wish it could, but it can’t. It is burned into our consciousness forever. What we saw was a kitchen volunteer smiling, happy, glad to be washing the dishes in the industrial strength dishwasher known affectionately as ‘Hobart.’ “Why is he so happy?” We asked. “That’s just it!” The concerned volunteer answered. “Everybody who works the Hobart is like that. They love it! There are actually arguments and fights over who gets to work it! I don’t understand! I was hoping you guys could investigate!” We gave that volunteer a lollipop, patted her on the head, and said to her, “Don’t you worry little missy. We’ll get to the bottom of this.” And we did. Here’s what we found out after an intensive twelve minute investigation and clinical analysis of pertinent things. After digging around awhile, we
discovered tubes from two buckets actually leading into the Hobart. “What could that be?” we asked each other as we took samples. To be sure, we also took a blood sample from the happy dishwashing volunteer, just in case we needed it, which we didn’t, because after the lab reports from the buckets came back, we figured it out. It turns out that one bucket contains dish soap, and the other a sanitizer. Used separately, they have no effect on humans, but when used together they create a narcotic steam that not only permeates your pores, giving your face a feel good, look good sheen, but creates a sensation of euphoria and a desire to do public service, while making everything in life just seem good somehow. Who wouldn’t want that? We couldn’t wait to tell the volunteer who broke this
story to us our findings. And now, she is all giggles and smiles, working hard to wash our dishes at the Hobart.
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