Suspicious Departure of our Volunteer Office Leaders

john-1Have you noticed for the past several months how mysterious John, Angela, and Tarah had been acting? We did. Something was obviously up with those three. Finally, the truth has surfaced. After eight years of dedicated leadership to Kalani in the kitchen, Guest Services, and finally as community manager, John Maestu has decided to leave Kalani. But why? The reasons he gave are so vague and unclear that he left us all wondering what exactly he meant by it. What exactly did he say? Something about needing to get to the mainland to feed his goldfish? john-2Well, it turns out John is just being as humble as ever. According to the Associated Press  newswire, Kalani’s own John Maestu has entered the presidential race as a candidate for the highest office in the land as a member of the E-Ho-Mai party with a solid promise to “Make America Pono Again.” When asked why he decided to run, John replied, “Well, you know, nobody else good was running this year, so I just thought I should.” Bravo John! We at In Touch fully support you. Your leadership style and personality are exactly what America needs in this time of unprecedented change. And John’s running mate? Why, Angela Durso, of course. Given their chemistry in the volunteer office, who else would John even consider? This hasn’t been confirmed, but there is strong speculation that Tarah Garrett has been tapped as the first choice for Secretary of State. Who knew our humble little volunteer office would become such a breeding ground for political power. John, Angela, Tarah- we salute you! Make America Pono Again!

When elected, John promises:

  • A freebox on every street corner in America
  • James T. Kirk’s future birthday (March 22, 2228) will be a national holiday
  • There shall be an initiative established to provide bacon in every pig’s slop
  • Vulcan will be the official second language of The United States
  • All State of the Union Addresses will begin with all present holding hands and chanting E-Ho-Mai, and will end with looking into each other’s eyes following the call and response of the Aloha chant.

When elected, Angela promises:

  • Free yoga for all
  • The Merrie Monarch Festival shall air in place of the Super Bowl
  • “Word Up” by Cameo will be the new national anthem

When elected, Tarah promises:

  • To save the world
  • She will read to homeless orphans in every American city
  • America will become a nonprofit nation
  • Educational exchange programs to send children to learn in foreign lands

And the important promise of all: Free MARIJUANA FOR ALL!!!


The Eh-Ho-Mai party has our full support, so be sure to vote!!!


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