Joel Hatch: Kalani’s Friend or Foe?

13Strange things happen all the time at Kalani, things that there is no apparent explanation for. We have become so use to this, that we don’t even notice them anymore, most of the time. Every so often though, something so out of the ordinary comes our way that we can’t help but to acknowledge them. Take for example, the recent discovery of a secret database running the operations of Kalani. Where does this database come from? Who (or what) is feeding it data? To where is the information it gathers sent? What is its power source, as it has no battery and it is not plugged into the wall? We don’t have the answers, but in the interest of full disclosure, this is what we know.

FACT: On Monday, December 12, 2016 at 8:42am, every computer screen in the offices of Kalani was filled with a nonsensical garble of unrecognizable compute code. The IT staff was stumped. “We’ve never seen anything like this before,” Chris is reported to have said, “and we have no idea where it is coming from.” Meanwhile, a barely audible beeping noise was heard coming from the IT closet where the servers are housed. No such beeping had ever been heard before.

FACT: On that same Monday at 10:14am, a flying craft described as a “Stealth Helicopter sort of thing” by a volunteer asking to remain anonymous for fear of their personal safety, was seen landing on the outer fringe of Kalani’s property, way out past OV.

14FACT: Two years prior, to the exact date and time, database specialist Joel Hatch unexpectedly disappeared from Kalani in a whirlwind of speculation and intrigue.  On Monday, December 12, 2016, at 10:16am he reappeared from a shimmer of light. The beeping in the IT closet immediately stopped, as if commanded to by Joel, and the office computers all cleared up and normal business resumed. Joel then went to lanai and announced to all present, “Have no fear Kalanians. I am here.” Then he ate a fucking banana without even peeling it.
15Who exactly is Joel Hatch? Is he friend or foe? We don’t know. He seems nice, so we assume he is a friend. He gives lots of hugs, so he can’t be that bad. Can he?  Or are those hugs a smokescreen to hide his sinister intent? And what is his connection to this secret database that took over the Kalani business functions? Should we expect more of that kind of thing? Obviously there is a force that is in control of Kalani beyond all of our understanding. Is Joel a part of the conspiracy, or is he our savior from it? We are going to keep our eyes on this situation and monitor all developments, and we ask all readers of ITWK to do the same. If you see Joel Hatch acting in any strange way, please report it to our editorial office, or to the CERT team. If he is trying to undermine our way of life here, he must be stopped. However, if he is trying to save us from a sinister force, he deserves the Honu Honu award for it. At this time, we just don’t know, but if we all pull together as an ohana, we will make it through this difficult time.


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