KALANI EXCLUSIVE: Secret affairs revealed!

We don’t write about relationships that are obvious and easily spotted at Kalani. People holding hands, showing their affection publicly, post ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook, like Bodie and Amanda, Jenn and Chris or Trent and Nadia. We all know they are in a relationship; there is no secret, nothing to reveal. BORING. Our job is to bring out to the surface the hidden relationships, people who have secret relationships and they don’t want us to know about them. Don’t worry, we have our spies and we will reveal all the secret affairs for you.

Crystal and Mat


It was love from the first sight. They met in a hot tub on one starry night. As we all know Crystal is very shy and as soon as she saw Mat in his birth suit she ran away. Mat was shocked because he felt the mutual attraction right away, and that motivated him to not give up. He thought his birth suit was not attractive enough and he tried to approach Crystal from a different side. He knew Crystal loves animals. She adopted Haiku, the abandoned baby mongoose. Mat thought that if he adopted one of the piglets he will get closer to Crystal. The animals will connect them forever. He hid one night in Eho Mai village where the piglets snack very often.

screen-shot-2017-02-10-at-9-18-31-pmHe almost got one when Mama Pig suddenly appeared hearing her baby crying, rushing towards Mat knocking him onto the ground. Who knows how the story would have ended up if not for Crystal. She heard Mat screaming and ran to help. Quick mouth-to-mouth CPR and Mat was alive again, saved by his love. Since that day they couldn’t stop kissing and their relationship bloomed. They didn’t want to share their love and affection with the community because they believed their love can be destroyed by Mat’s jealous fan-club, so they decided to hide. Have you ever seen them talking, having dinner together or hugging? Nobody did. They managed to act like perfect strangers for 2 years. They were meeting secretly in all secret areas around the island, like the Secret Beach, Pele’s Secret Garden, Secret Lava Tubes, and in all best-kept secret campsites on the Kona side. Have you ever wondered why Crystal bought a big jeep? Here is the answer – to take Mat to all the secret places not accessible by regular car. We were working on their case for months putting the puzzles together. Finally our Kalarazzi spotted them making out and we can finally share the proof of their relationship with our community. We have bad news for Mat’s fun club, he is in a relationship and our reliable source reported that Crystal is planning to propose to Mat on Valentine’s Day! We will keep you updated.

Richard and Mikey

screen-shot-2017-02-10-at-9-18-59-pmNobody is better at hiding at Kalani then Mikey. Do you even know who Mikey is? Have you ever seen him at the lanai having meals or at the Monday Morning Meetings? We haven’t. He lives by Hale Aloha hidden in his hale covered by bushes. Were you ever curious why he lives all the way  down the road, far from campus where nobody can see him? He appears here and there when people need help and quickly disappears like Houdini. And then there is Richard. Everybody knows Richard. He has nothing to hide, he is an open book, at least that’s what we thought. Well we were wrong. We would think nobody can hide anything in the community for long time but we were wrong again. Here is the most hidden Kalani relationship – Richard and Mikey have been together for 13 years! We couldn’t believe it at first. When our sources shared the news with us few month ago we said: ‘no, that is impossible, Mikey and Richard?!’ They are totally opposite. How Richard was even able to spot and locate Mikey? But we couldn’t just move on only because we didn’t believe the news. We mobilized our team of investigators and here are the shocking findings.

They met after Mikey heard a disturbance at the pool one night. Mikey approached Richard and his crew and asked them to quiet down. Richard was immediately impressed by Mikeys pecs and tried to talk him into getting into the hot tub. Richard and his crew jumped into the pool but realized Mikey had disappeared suddenly.screen-shot-2017-02-10-at-9-19-12-pm

And we all know Richard; he always gets what he wants. Mikey was not easy to get though. Richard tried all his tricks, he invited Mikey to Kehena Beach, Tide Pools, volleyball, figure drawing and star gazing but Mikey played hard to get. He prefered to hide and not to participate in any of the events. Nothing worked, but Richard, the master of flirtation and seduction never gives up. Since Mikey loves to hide, Richard decided to play hide-and-seek with him. Showing up and disappearing suddenly, always hiding so Mikey could look for him. And it worked! Mike loved the game. Until today they played hide-and-seek and cat-and-mouse all the time. You probably noticed that Richard never stays long in one place, he is always on the run. And this is a secret to their lasting and passionate relationship. And here is our biggest finding, the best kept Kalani secret – Mikey and Richard are married! The secret ceremony took place in Yosemite and they spent their honeymoon in London and soon they will celebrate their 10th anniversary by bungy jumping in a lover’s embrace off a bridge on the road to Hana in Maui before opening their hearts and sharing their love with another. That’s right! What you heard is not just another Kalani rumor! They have been approved to adopt a baby from Somoa! This little bundle of joy will no doubt brighten the lives of all of us in this extended ‘ohana!


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