Ohana Night Ruined by Perfect People

screen-shot-2017-02-10-at-9-17-32-pmThe holidays have come and gone, and now we are well into the new year. It seems like everybody had a good time over Christmas and New Years, and that’s nice. There was a great Christmas dinner. The intuitive gift exchange was a hit. Despite the fire department crashing the party with their fire hose to douse the fire at the point, New Years Eve was a lot of fun. So, we’re glad everybody had a good time. For us though, it was a disappointment.

If you remember from our last issue, we put out a call for an adulterer that we could stone to death on the mound as part of a holiday ‘Ohana Night celebration, inspired by Deuteronomy 22:23-24. This ‘Ohana Night celebration didn’t happen. We couldn’t find an adulterer anywhere at Kalani.  Imagine our surprise!  We just assumed there would be lots of them! But no. There weren’t any- not even a partial adulterer. We ended up spending New Years Eve sitting in the Editorial office half-heartedly tossing a piece of gravel at each other, saying, “You’re an adulterer…” “No, you are…” “No, you are…”  Is everybody at Kalani just so damn pure and perfect? As it turns out, yes. Yes they are.

screen-shot-2017-02-10-at-9-18-01-pmWhen no adulterer could be found, we decided expand our search to find other kinds of sinners for the ‘ohana to stone to death. We couldn’t find any of those either! Nobody was coveting their neighbor’s wife. Nobody was telling lies. Nobody was thieving (yet). Nobody was even committing murder. *Yawn.* Nobody was doing anything wrong! All ten of the Ten Commandments in the Bible were being followed to the letter. Buddha’s Eightfold Path was being followed exactly.  Whatever Hinduism is all about, people were following that too. Even the Kalani rules were being followed! Nobody was making noise past 10:00pm. Nobody was using washing machines that were restricted for HK use only. Everybody was asking for consent before touching and hugging. People were even showering before going in the pool! What fun is any of this? Kalani has become unbearably dull  and, and because of that, it ruined what could have been a really great ‘Ohana Night.  We really need some of you to sin and/or break a few rules so we can stone you to death! Do it for the ‘ohana! We’ll try this ‘Ohana Night again at Easter, but if it doesn’t come together then, we’re just going to give up trying to do an ‘Ohana Night for you altogether. Have fun being so fucking perfect, everybody.


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