A Kalani Exclusive: New Guru Chosen for Kalani

8We’ve been having volunteers coming to our office and reporting different gatherings happening at the solar shed but we didn’t pay attention. We all know there is a lot of going on at Kalani, people always get together and have fun. There was nothing suspicious about tech night, didgeridoo workshops or dome building. Pete, the initiator is a great member of our community; always willing to listen and help everyone who needs help. Our suspicion was aroused when he proposed an Awa Ceremony, drinking elixir 10made of awa root, an ancient Hawaiian ritual. Pete was never interested in Hawaiian culture and Hawaiian rituals before. He never came to Hula or ukulele class, and he didn’t even want to chant at our meetings. This made us suspicious, so we decided to watch him closely and attend the ceremony to make sure our Ohana is safe. We had Aunty Linda and Annalisa prepare the elixir but something didn’t feel right. Their face expressions looked suspicious and Pete was sitting in the corner almost absent in deep meditation.The mixture didn’t look right either. We secretly took a sample and sent it to the lab. The findings were shocking! We couldn’t believe it! It was not awa root at all, but a mixture of coqui frog legs, stinkhorn Hawaiian mushroom, hīnano, a long list of Hawaiian aphrodisiacs, and just a dash of ayahuasca. This looked like a conspiracy theory! We wanted to know why and who is behind it?

6Pete was quiet for the entire ceremony but when he finally spoke everybody froze. “Not so fast.” People were hypnotized, hanging on his every word. Everybody knew something special was happening, something magical. They were in the presence of  true greatness, a true guru. Complete silence enveloped the room. Not even the coqui frogs made a sound outside. It was time for Pete to speak.

7“You are all outstanding blokes and blokettes.” He said. “I have been personally chosen by the spirits of the Kanaka‘ole family to lead you in a true spiritual direction. This is a true honor for you, and your life will be ever transformed, and I am blessed to be your chosen one.”  Pete then went on to list the conditions that must be followed in order to please him and be worthy of his wisdom. They are:

  • Five times a day, a special conch will be blown, at which time you are to roll out your yoga mat in the direction of the solar shed and assume child’s pose for seven minutes as you chant “Aloha Pete.”
  • One must never toast bread darker than the color of Pete’s skin.
  • Pete is to be addressed as the “Sultan of the Solar Shed.”
  • No pronoun is ever to be used in reference to The Sultan of the Solar Shed.
  • The discarded clothes of the Sultan of the Solar Shed will be used to create prayer flags which will be hung around campus to honor the Sultan of the Solar Shed.

9A great celebration then began to commemorate Pete’s status as our new Guru, and for the newest inductees brought into the fold at the ceremony. This celebration lasted through the night, and at first light, members of Pete’s inner circle hoisted him into the air on a specially built lift and paraded him around the road encircling the upper part of campus three times before taking him on the King’s Road around the island, stopping at each village and town along the way to bask in the admiration of his admirers far and wide and to shower them with his great wisdom.

As Kalani goes through its renewal process, we are beyond fortunate to have the wisdom and spiritual leadership of Pete to guide us to new heights of divine ascension. Pete, oh great Sultan of the Solar Shed, we have full faith in you and are ready and willing to make any sacrifices you deem necessary for the greater good of the community. Mahalo for shining your light on our path ahead.



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